You see, I have been struggling, lately, with my lack of gainful employment. You know, work. Work for money, anyway. It’s what men do, so I’ve read, worry about money. Trying to get back into anything, even the lowest entry-level part-time position, has not gone well. With my "educational level" I am overqualified, of course, but nowadays who isn’t? And, really, so what? I want to work. I don't mind stocking shelves or emptying boxes. Compared to my regular every day existence, that's nothing. It's work, honest work. And I would love to be doing it.
It would be fantastic to work a job that pays something worth the time it will take me away from my family to be there – even if “the worth” is that I feel good about what I’m doing for less pay than one should be getting. Heck, that was what part-time teaching was at the college I was at – only being paid for the hours of actual class time and nothing for the hours prepping the classes or correcting the exams and projects I had to give and the after hours assistance I gave to my students. I did it because it was a value exchange I could live with. Still, right now, any job, really, would be a good thing. Part-time would be perfect.
The irony of the whole situation? I have never worked harder than I have the last seven and a half years being the primary caregiver to our two autism spectrum children. You can’t measure it in hours or days or weeks in terms of “time” put in. There is no monetary compensation. There’s just…I don’t know…there’s just life, and working to make it better, for a payoff, and not a paycheck.
Last night Elena was very insistent on following me around our place, getting in my way, literally, as I was starting to brood again. I finally had to give in and acknowledge that she wanted my attention. When I did, she took me into her room, climbed on the top bunk, and proceeded to sing to me an entire songbook of children’s songs, including Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Incy Wincy Spider and Skp to my Loo, in her very dramatic style, and very sweet voice. And as I watched her, from a foot away, looking into her eyes as she performed for me, I thought about all those long days with no speech, no talking, no beautiful sounds and songs coming from her beautiful little face, just a vague indifference to the world, and how much I have put into helping her move forward and progress, and I realized that I was getting “paid” right then and there, and it was only for me to see and love and cherish. You can’t take it to the bank, but it was certainly a moment in my life I will gladly withdraw from whenever I need to remind myself it’s not about a paycheck, it’s about the payoff. And that was, maybe, the best payoff for hard work I have ever had in my life.
Her timing was impeccable.
I'm still stressed out about money, but I know the work I've been doing the last seven and a half years has been far more valuable than all the paychecks I should have been getting working a "typical" job all that time. As our dear friend Lynne wrote to me, "Don't forget at the end of their lives people regret not having spent more time with their family, working too much, never seeing their kids...the most important people."
She is very right. They are the most important people. I will never regret this time of my life, ever.
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