Endings, Progress, Sadness and Hope

screen capture from video of Nicholas' award ceremony

Here are some end-of-the-school-year pics and videos.

This past week marked the end of an era in our life.  Elena has completed her preschool years and will be entering kindergarten in the Fall.  I have been very involved with all that we've needed to do to get her to this point.  In a very real sense, it has been my "job" and, to some extent, has become my identity.  Not only with her, but with Nicholas prior as well.  We are in a time of transition.

I am in a time of transition.

Saying "cheese" waiting for the last bus

To be honest, I don't know what I am feeling as I write this, other than frustration that I am not able to write what I am feeling.  And I need to.  This is either my fourth or fifth attempt trying to put something down on virtual paper.  Could be more.  I lost count.

Life gets busier now for a  few months.  Summer tends to be filled with more things to do and less time to do them.  Less time for blogging but more time for swimming.  Maybe more time for massage - I hope.  I am a certified massage therapist after all.  Everyone is at home for a few weeks, then ESY begins (What's this?) in about a month, and then another few weeks at home and then the school year begins - second grade for Nicholas and kindergarten for Elena.

I am rambling.

I am rambling because I am finding it difficult to pinpoint my feelings still.  The past seven years of being the primary day time caregiver during the school year to Nicholas and Elena has ended, in a sense.  Now that Elena will be in full-day kindergarten I won't necessarily be spending the entire day or most of the day with her anymore.  Preschool was only a little over two hours - not much alone time in light of their condition.  Considering the number of times I had to drive her in this year due to LAUSD's bus issues because of severe budget cuts, it was frequently less than two hours.  I essentially spent most of the day with her, and when Nicholas came home, with both.

Of the seven years, the first two years were just him.  Then for two years it was the both of them, without the autism diagnosis yet so I was going out of my head a lot.  Then it was a little over one year of him in preschool and her at pre-preschool.  Then for two years of him at ful -- screw it!  I am forgetting the details!!  Seriously!   I am.  I am because they are not important.  What is important is that it's over.  And for kids who thrive in structure, benefit from routine and struggle with transitions, special needs kids like them do nothing but transitions, do nothing but deal with change of routine and do nothing but rebuild structure over and over again.

The "Math Award"

I'm...still struggling to write this.  Why?  I don't know.  I don't.  I just don't.

That part of our journey has ended.  Mr. Thomas, Ms. Powers, Ms Lennon, Teacher Esme, and Mr. Joe did wonders for our kids. As did their many class room aides!  As did their service providers - OT, Speech and Adaptive P.E. - particularly Elena's clinic OTs, Teacher Maggie and Ms Behnaze.  Miracle workers, all of them.  We said good-bye to them this week, not all of them personally, but all of them in spirit, as a collective of good souls who gave us our kids and got them ready to move forward to the next level, and gave us, as a family, the chance to progress and grow.

We have learned to say good-bye.  We don't do it very well as it is sad to say, but it is fitting, so we do.  And we have learned to say thank you.  We always say thank you.  Yes!  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you for giving us hope.

Thank you for giving us HOPE.

I think this is done now.  I still don't know if I said what I intended to say.  But maybe I've said enough here, for now.  And the words I can't express are meant to stay inside me, in my heart, for me to know, and for only me to know.

I am going to miss her.  And him, too - the whole era of this...surprise twist of fate to my life that forever changed who I am and what I know and feel and understand of the world and the universe.

I am a profoundly changed person.

And that's all I can say about it for now.

Enjoy the videos...