"Notes to Self..."

• When I became a father, it began the most challenging years of my life.  Through them, though, I have learned, grown and become more than I had ever thought or dreamed I could learn, grow and become.  The moment-to-moment challenges of my two autistic children have been the catalyst for a deeper understanding of unconditional love, compassion, and heartfelt empathy within me, and has awakened in me a personal, conscious connection to the highest of source of all creation.  They are my learning curve.  I am truly blessed to have them.

• As the father of two "autistic" children, young ones at that, I am not about changing who they are.  I am not about blaming who they are on some outside environmental pollutant or a vaccination they had.  I love who they are, and I'm not looking to "cure" them back into what society considers "normalcy."  What I am about is helping them be who they are in world where being who they are is going to be very hard for them.   And that happens by not changing them, but by changing the world. So, together, and with the loving assistance of other like-hearted souls, we are working on changing the world.  And if we can make it a better place for them, then I am sure it will also be a better place for you.

• Nicholas was being prodded by his therapist and her supervisor to be like a more neurotypical child and say something that he wanted for Christmas, something specific, like typical boys his age would want.  He was getting really uncomfortable, not knowing what to say to them.  Butt they pressed on, asking him what he wanted from Santa.  After a bit I told them, "You know, the autistic kids I know, like him, don't have much attachment to material items. He likes stuff but he's not the kind of kid who needs something to make him happy."  Hearing me but not listening to me, they asked him one last time, "can you tell us the one thing you really want Santa to bring you for Christmas?"  So, he turns, and finally looks at me, exasperated, and says, "Dad, I want anything for Christmas."  Boom!   All he wants is joy and happiness.  It was so...him.  I was oozing with inner pride.  I wanted to shout, "Ha!  In your materialistic Christmas present faces!" but I maintained myself.

original photo by Donnella Anderson

• Today with Elena while watching thousands of cars zipping by below us from a bridge crossing over the 405 freeway, I said to her, "look at all those people speeding through life thinking they have somewhere to be," and the silent voice inside my head continued, "except for where they are."  I gave her a deep hug, knowing right then, there was a no more beautiful place for me to be.  Life with autism.  It changes everything.

• The only limits to your reality are the ones you impose upon yourself.  Open yourself up to a greater realm of possibilities.  If you imagine it, you can create it.  If you want it, you can have it.  Belief in the outcome will manifest and alter your current reality.  It is not just about having an open mind.  It is also about living with an open heart.  Open your heart, and your mind will follow.  When you are ready, the multiverse will give.  Only you can make yourself ready.  So, are you ready?

• Move beyond what your expectations were.  If you're stuck thinking it all should have been different, because you were expecting it to be that way, then the universe may be telling you something.  Listen, and stop thinking, stop limiting yourself to what should have been and open up to the limitless possibilities of what it is and what it will be.  If things don't go like you thought they should perhaps it's only because God, Creator, the Universe, thinks, and feels, and knows you could do more -- so much more.  Embrace the challenge, overcome the fear, release the anger, work through the disappointment, and accept the opportunity for personal growth, expansion of consciousness and raising awareness. And align with the universe.  It knows you better than you think. 

My two autistic children are some of the most creative souls I may ever know.  Their entire existence is about creation, of truth, of something far more profound than just being here.  But what is their creative process?  Or, really, what is creativity?  To me, the point of creation is to bring about consciousness.  The creative process is about producting a manifestation of consciousness.  We "procreate" to bring into this three dimensional existence another conscious manifestation that is a reflection of ourselves, of our humanity, of our consciousness.  All life is consciousness, and all consciousness is alive.  Our religious beliefs, our personal dogma will dictate what we consider to be conscious, what we think is spirit, soul, but anything ever created by us or by nature, even that which we consider "not alive," is a manifestation of a greater consciousness of which we all are an expression.  The creative process itself is often a trance-like, meditative, prayer-like state - a blending of one's personal human experience and perspective that is then manifested in an inspired creation that is an experiential expression of the oneness of a new whole - often bringing upon a new way of seeing, thinking and feeling that is an inspired God-like creation - and a truthful manifestation of a conscious moment.  I think many creative people, artists in all mediums of expression - even the art of living - are able to blend with creative source or have found that source within, and through their sensitivity, gifted talents, awareness and inspiration, have created the new, the beautiful, the unique, the truthful, and have long brought "consciousness" into the world.  It takes a "receiver" to "receive" that new expression of universal consciousness, and that reception itself is a creative  process.  One has to be open to seeing, to feeling, to experiencing the creative consciousness of the artistic expression - to "get it," to connect with its details, "the part," and from there expand their consciousness to get "the whole."  When that happens, it is a true expansion of consciousness, uniting creator and receiver - and bringing upon the primal force of the All becoming One.  I think our kids are about bringing upon that truth for those of us fortunate to know them.  It's not about facts for them - like the fact that they are different, like the fact they are "autistic."  It's about truth.  It's about us who know them, becoming one with them and, ultimately, becoming one with the universe, for they are as much a part of the mind and heart and soul of God as any creation can be.  And that is the ultimate truth.

It was suggested that I should share more about who I am and who we are somewhere on this blog.  I can't really give much more background info on this site the way I have it set up.  I have written a post that is our reality in a nutshell entitled “We are Us.”  It was posted sometime in June, I think. Here's the link.   (We are Us)  

Also, there's this conflict I have between blogging because we're featured on an autism website, and documentary, and because we have this unique story, while at the same time keeping some things private - like schools and names of friends and other things like that.  I do want you to "know" us and me, but how much?  I am a private person, in general.  

Yes, in my past I have written plays and screenplays and acted a bit, even got paid for it, but that really isn't a very personal and public part of me.  It's imagination.  Illusion.  Structured.  Easy to understand.  With a beginning, a middle and an end.  Life in the movies is a circular narrative.  Life with autism isn't.  It's an open narrative.  No real structure.  More thematic.  Harder to follow.  More ambiguous.  Some would call it absurd.  If it's a funny kind of a day, it's a lot like "Seinfeld."  Most days it's like the classic "Waiting for Godot" - both tragic and comic with a lot of repetition.  And do I really want to share with the world that, yes, Nicholas really did ask me the same set of questions about diesel gasoline and regular gasoline over one hundred times this week?  

We agreed to do the documentary to help raise awareness and give a glimpse into our lives and, by doing that, a bit of hope to others out in the world like us.  I started the blog with that same mindset and intent.  Believe it or not, this blog is not something that's highly personal -  like expressing opinion or showcasing my unique perspective or my deep insights into whatever or my favorite places to eat Pho in Los Angeles.  The contents of this blog are driven by the events of our life and how they affect us, and me.  I'm not in it to get a book deal or featured on a cable network TV show, you know?  It's not a cutesy thing either, where I am the "star" of the blog and I'm this really great guy and super-duper autism parent superhero.  I'm not.  I'm a working class Latino dad with two autistic children.  I’m a nice guy but sure as heck ain’t perfect.  I am a good parent, but not always at my best.  I am not a warrior.  I am not anything but a parent with autistic kids that I try to do my best by, like any parent should, autism or not.  That's just reality.  It's a unique reality, and that's what is interesting, to me.  That's why I blog.   

It's not all pretty butterflies, beautiful roses, twinkling fairies and enchanting rainbows - moments of the day can be, but, seriously, it's a fairly brutal existence, even with all the services and progress I’ve shared here.  It exhausts us, this life that we've been thrust into.  It can kill us if we are not mindful of our health and state of mind and inner being.  And that's not an exaggeration.  We put up a really good front most of the time.   

We were talking last night that only a handful of people will ever relate to what we are going through, even other autism parents.  Not out of arrogance, either.  We don’t have the energy to be arrogant.  Every parent gets it, even typical parents, to a point.  We understand that.  We get that.  We know.  You have had very trying times, too.  So, do you want to trade kids for a month or two?   

We’ve met a couple of other families with two, like us.  We were a bit more along than they were, knowing, at least, we could never do it alone and leave the other parent on their own while we just “took time for ourselves.”  We can’t.  We don’t.  We rarely do.  When we do, it’s called going to work.   

We also happen to be friends with a single Latina mom with two on the spectrum plus a typical daughter.  Her son is a good friend and classmate with our son.  In comparison, we got it a bit easier than her.  We can't complain.   

I promised that I would take the recommendation to share more about myself and try to do something I can be okay with doing.  This is what came out.  A posting about notes to myself about revelations and epiphanies I have had because of my two autistic kids, and some pictures I have taken that may or may not connect with what I’ve written in this particular post.    

So, if you’ve read this far, I thank you.  For, in all honesty, you now know parts of me I would not share in a typical conversation unless I had your absolute trust, friendship and the time to tell you, and maybe then only after a few glasses of wine, or a pitcher of margaritas or a few good ales and weizens, or just an open mind and heart.

• Namaste